Episode 31: Walk the Plank (The Cutthroat Chronicles with Siobhan Thompson)
Walk the Plank is the thirty-first episode in the series and the second episode of The Cutthroat Chronicles. The Band of Boobs launch a rescue mission to save Ulfgar from fancy orc pirates! Hardwon goes bottomless, Bev beefs it, Moonshine acquires henchmen, and Apple does some wrasslin'. Plot Synopsis Catching up and Breaking Up and Hatching a Plan The episode opens with Yarn leaving the bar with other Orcs from Snot's Lot, back to the ship and the mysterious errand the crew is on. We cut to Moonshine and Balnor, who are no longer under the curse of the succubus and incubus. The charm broken and with no chance at sucking the life out of Moonshine or Balnor, their attacks are weak and ineffective, allowing Moonshine and Balnor to escape with ease. As they run down the hall, the Teifling's yell out to send back another member of the party if they can. Moonshine politely declines but insists she may charge them for the trauma of making her kiss Balnor. Balnor perks up, but Moonshine quickly lies to him and reassures him that he's confusing her with the succubus who he was trying to make-out with. They enter the bar approximately 8 minutes after they left. Balnor immediately announces to everyone that he and Moonshine Kissed, FRENCH kissed. Moonshine quickly explains the circumstances, including how Balnor was charmed and she only kissed him to save him. Hardwon confirms they did kiss, and on confirmation, dabs Balnor up. Moonshine orders a scorpion bowl for one, and Hardwon orders scorpion bowls for everyone. Balnor winks at Moonshine. With all hands filled with scorpion bowls, and Moonshine in possession of an extra thick straw to suck it down with, Hardwon informs the two rejoined members what they learned from Yarn about Ulfgar and his current more constricted circumstances. Hardwon turns to Apple and a little shame-filled explains that it's their fault that Ulfgar is currently stuck inside of a gem, since they had allowed him to jump from their ship and land in the water. Realizing they've dumped a lot on Apple they ask her to tell them more about her to even things up. She explains that things have been off at the Field, something has been going around they've called Field Rot, things have been congealed at the field, which sounds suspiciously like Crick Rot. The water the Field relies originates from the Crick and has been polluted. The Band of Boobs excitedly tells her that it's all gone and cured now, so stoked to share actually good news. But Apple continues to explain that the water rotted the fields and the Field isn't doing too well without any thing to sell or eat. She asks for some of the money that they won and they happily give her 500 gold. Balnor turns to Moonshine and tells her they should really not talk in front of everyone but should go off and discuss how they're going to do their finances if they're going to be in a relationship together. Moonshine tries so very very hard to correct Balnor's mistaken assumption regarding the status and intimacy level of their relationship. Balnor agrees to a clean break, they work together. The Band of Boobs, relationship statuses changed and cemented, explain more fully to Apple their history with Ulfgar. Right before he had jumped off of the boat he had turned to them, and told them to find him when they've cured Crick Rot. The curing crick rot part of the instructions done, it was time to follow the other half. Vacation just turned into a working vacation. They relay more to Apple about their theories on Ulfgar. He seemed to have something more wrong with him than just Crick Rot, it seemed as though Thiala was controlling him some how. The further he got away from her, the less her control seemed to be exerted over him. Apple is floored at all of the celebrities they've met, but they assure her it's been pretty disappointing meeting them. In fact, she's the only one that has lived up to the hype. Moonshine unabashedly tells Apple she actually has her cowhide jersey in her bag and asks Apple to sign it. Apple tells them she does boarding for the art not the fame, but is not above signing the jersey. Beverly guesses that they've got to rescue Ulfgar. Moonshine lays out a few options of what their next steps should be. The group agrees that they ain't too good with the words and that a diplomatic mission probably wouldn't be a great idea. Apple pipes up telling them all she's pretty stupid and would be useless on such a mission. This idea is quickly abandoned. Moonshine then advocates for sneaking on. Hardwon rapidly agrees and votes that if they do get caught, Beverly should play a rich boy who wants to buy Ulfgar. It is the role he's born to play. They then turn to Apple and plan yet another make-over, the second of the day. She's dressed up in a eye-patch and earrings just like in a Melora Pageant. Confused, Moonshine asks what she's talking about, Melora loves it when you're naked. It turns out that while Crick Elves love to get completly nude for their god ("She loves to see you as you are!") Field Elves believe that Melora "loves a little bit of dress-up" and dress all the way up as part of their worship. Both a little confused by the other ones strangeness, the Band of Boobs continue on. Beverly turns to the bartender and asks him his name. "Heurog" replies the Hill Giant. Moonshine tries very hard to tactfully ask, but ends up just asking straight forward, if he is here willfully or by force. Heurog, a bit perplexed by the questions responds he is here on his own will. All giants have been banned to the Frigid North, so for him, this is a hideaway to get away from the laws of Man. He had sent for his family a long time ago to come meet him but they've never come. He looks off wistfully. Beverly says that's so sad and that it must be hard for him to play mini-golf too. "For me...it's mini-mini golf" replies Heurog, before looking off even more wistfully into the distance. Moonshine tries to lighten the mood a bit, and apologizes for trying to have a threesome at his bar. He comments that the two teiflings were pretty obviously devils, and Moonshine confesses she was feeling a little self-destructive. Heurog says he understands, he drinks to deal. Moonshine has finally found something she can bond with him over and show some hospitality: drinking. She asks if he'd want to take a shot with her and she does a shot while he does a flaming scorpion bowl as a shot. It's awesome. With Heurog a little more on their side than most people ever are, Hardwon asks for any advice as to how to get on board Snot's Yacht. Heurog warns them not to get mixed up in this mess, there were at least 20-30 orcs on there and the ship is equipped with all types of traps. They reassure him that they're a bit self-destructive and they want to do this. Heurog, resigned that these idiots will probably die, tells them a bit more about the occupants of the Yacht. They had come in that morning and were known as Snot's Lot: fancy rich orc pirates. They ask if Captain Snot has any weakness, which seems to only be his love of money. The Band of Boobs decides the best course of action is just to sneak on board. Before they leave, Hardwon turns to Heurog. He tells him that they're making their way all around Bahumia. If Heurog gave them a message or something, and they found their way to the Frigid North they'd try to pass it along. Heurog is unsure if his family is alive: the Frost Giants were made for Frost Wind but he's not sure how well his people the Hill Giants have been able to adopt to the land. But he has a wife, Ora and a son also named Heurog. He hands them a very big gold coin for them to pass on to his family to let them know he's alive. His grandfather had given it to him. In times past, the Hill Giant's had once had their own cities, their own society, and their own currency. This gold coin as part of that currency. They promise to find his family. This interaction though calls them to question their own views on the Giant War. They were all taught that the giants were brutal and the war against them was just and necessary. But here was Heurog, a kind giant who took a shot with them and helped them out. Beverly struggles with the fact that just about everyone he knew from home had fought in the war. Hardwon turns to look at the SS Stormborn, slowly contemplating how his dad had used his most prized possession to fight numerous giants. They decide that the way the world tends to work is that everyone on the top sucks and everyone on the bottom is just kind of caught up in the bull-shit of the elites. Moral questions contemplated and stored for another day, Operation Stealth begins. Operation Stealth and Fancy Boy The Band of Boobs plus Apple head out to the docks where the SS Stormborn, Snot's Yacht, and several other ships are docked. It's not a spring-break vibe per se where they could go and blend in on Snot's. There are 12 orcs hanging out. The Band of Boobs decide to change plans a bit. Bev points out that there is a type of ship's etiquette when two ships are parked next to each other. They decide that they'll try and distract some of the orcs and have Moonshine sneak on or try and get invited on board. A mix of stealth and fancy boy plans. They try to blast music on the Stormborn but it's fairly shitty so the orcs just turn theirs up. Moonshine attempts to stealth onto the boat. She looks into a port hole and an Orc immediately sees her. He asks her what she's doing. With tits totally out she tells him she's just here for the party! He asks why she's climbing around and not just taking the stairs. She replies she's from the country and she she's never been on a boat before, in fact, she's VERY inexperienced. Balnor looks extremely butt-hurt over this exchange, feeling less special about their interaction. Unpersuaded, the Orc yells out to the others that they have an attempted stow-away. The captain, an orc with a bright red necklace draped around his neck, approaches and asks her what's going on. Beverly's voice rings out. "Moonshine! Moonshine!" "That's my uh...son." Moonshine says to the captain. The captain knows much better than to believe a half-ling is an elf's child, and with an exasperated tone asks them what they're doing on his boat. Moonshine apologizes and says that she had some girlfriends at school had heard they threw the best parties and she'd hoped to go to one and then she could be the most popular girl in school. Hardwon jumps down and makes his way over after seeing the Orcs heading over towards her side of the boat. He pretends to have been looking for her and then apologizes to the captain explaining she's an R. Cane fiend, always looking for a hit. The Captain somehow believes this. Moonshine scurries over to Hardwon whispering that she loves R. Cane, and Hardwon tells her to try and shiver a little to really sell it. The Captain motions to a couple of the orc crewman to head over to the Stormborn with the Band of Boobs. As they're walking away Hardwon decides to try and peek into a porthole. Captain Snot notices and is pissed. He wants to know who they fuck they are and why they're on his ship. Apple gets her boobs out and Moonshine follows suit but it's too late but the boobs are ineffective. Cannons emerge from the side of the hull facing the Stormborn, ready to blow it away the minute the Captain gives the order. Snot tells them to get off his ship or he'll blow theirs up. Hardwon is unphased, and in fact delighted to be invited to the party and pulls his tits out. To no avail. They get on the boat and Snot pulls out a hand-held remote. He presses one of the buttons and six Mario-esque cannons come out of the deck and he tells them to drop their weapons. He's done playing games and suspicious as hell at their unending sneaking. Jeremiah Snot reveals his name, informing them all in a snarl that HE is the greatest swashbuckler of them all and won't be swashbuckld out of his treasure. Apple interrupts him to tell him she's never heard of him. One of the cannons shoots at Apple but she manages to dodge out of the way. Beverly Rapport Spores asking them all if it's too late for Operation Fancy Boy to really take off. Moonshine just shakes her head and rapports back that they've used up all their lies. Hardwon mutters to no one in particular that maybe his looking through the port hole was not the best idea (it was not). Beefy Boys and Exposed Bottoms It's the Band of Boobs versus twelve orcs, all the lies they could think of all used up, they decide the only option is to fight. After a brief exchange Jeremiah Snot gives them all one last chance to drop their weapons. Instead, Hardwon walks over very slowly to the beer tap. Snot warns him to not touch the beer tap, he'll be shot the moment he does. Hardwon continues to slowly eek his way over, flips the tap, sprays the beer (Hitachino) as a distraction. spins around and tries to throw his axe at Snot. Beer flows all around the deck. Hardwon misses with his first attack but is able to hit him with his second. He pauses to take a quick sip of beer from the free-flowing mast tap and then action surges against Snot. Snot is enraged that Hardwon is stealing his beer, "see I knew you were here to steal!" Hardwon ignores his protestations and just tries to figure out what type of beer it is (a Sessions IPA) as he hits him twice more. Snot disengages from the fight and backs off, yelling that he is the brave captain as he orders his men forward to fight. He presses another button on his hand-held device and little sprinklers below deck start shooting grease onto the floor. Snot's Lot are wearing little booties that protect them from the grease but everyone except Apple fall onto the deck, covered in grease. The Captain runs down the stairs, leaving 2 big beefy boy Orcs and 9 fresh-faced not so beefy orcs on the deck. Apple goes into a rage and runs after the Captain. Apple is unaffected by the grease and just slides down the deck, sword out Risky Business style. Moonshine puts on her Apple Scrumper jersey out of respect for that sick move, Hardwon nods approvingly. Apple reaches the Captain and slides her sword into him. Moonshine pulls a drop of beer from the tap and casts Tidal Wave on all of the minion orcs except one. The orcs fall to the ground hitting their head, prone, and the damage from the alcoholic wave flows them close to death's door. The beer wipes away a lot of the grease too, leaving a less treacherous deck. Moonshine cups the last remaining bits of the wave in her hand, and drinks a handful of beer. Hardwon nods to Balnor "That's you're fucking girlfriend." "She's unbelievable." "SHUT UP" yells Moonshine. "IT WAS ONE KISS TO SAVE HIS GODDANG LIFE." The beefy Orcs turn to Moonshine, PISSED she wasted their good beer (even if they are more Blue Moon types of guys). The orcs only manage to hit her once each. Beverly calls his summoned donkey to come and get in the mix and scrambles up from the ground. He casts Command on a Beefy Orc and commands him to swim and not to stop until he reaches 200 yards. The Orc complies, and even in his heavy armor, is an impressive sight as he dives down. Beverly then tries the Hitachino and is pleased with it's crispness. Balnor gets back up and as a beefy level 5, uses the hurt from his recent break-up with Moonshine to brutally execute two of the orcs. The remaining seven less-beefy orcs all stand-up from Moonshine's beer wave and turn to attack the man who murdered their friends before them as they lay helpless: Balnor. Luckily only two are able to get to him, and it's okay because Balnor is STILL horny, hopefully fueling more rage. The cannons turned towards the BoB attack, only managing to hit Beverly, shooting musket-sized balls. Hardwon turns to the one remaining Beefy Boy but manages to miss him both times and the Beefy Boy pants him, telling him he sucks ass. Hardwon yells at everyone not to kill the Beefy Boy, he really wants to kill him. Captain Snot pushes Apple out of the way and runs below deck. Apple runs after him and there are six more orcs down there. "Gentlemen" nods Apple to them all. Four are shitty little guys and 2 beefy boys and the Captain stare back at her. One of the scrawny guys is holding a mysterious horn. Apple throws a hand-axe at the wrist of the one with the orc, hoping to force him to drop the horn. She isn't able to knock it out but slices him up real good. "DON"T YOU BLOW IT." She yells at him. "I'M GONNA BLOW IT." he yells back. "DON'T YOU DARE! I KNOW YOUR DAD! I KNOW YOUR DAD!" He yells back "YOU DON'T KNOW MY DAD. THAT'S MY DAD!" and points to another orc standing by him, the orc nods in agreement and joins the yelling that he is in fact that orc's father. Apple throws her other hand-axe at the son orc, killing him in front of his dad, the axe going out in between his eyes. She cleaves into the father and kills him too. Even Snot thinks this was beyond fucked up. Back above deck, Moonshine spores an orc killing him. She immediately brings him back to life as an undead servant, brought back to life by the fresh taste of the Hitachino. She then runs down to the stairs that she just saw Snot and Apple run down. She gets half-way there and orders her undead servant to attack his former colleagues and kills him. The Band of Boobs names him Hitachino, making him part of party. The Big Beefy Orc who was ordered to swim calls back and asks Balnor if he's doing a good job or not. Balnor enthusiastically replies that he is, and the Beefy Orc swims even faster away, back-stroking this time. The other Big Beefy Boy who just pantsed Hardwon aims for Hardwon's bottom and brutally attacks it once but misses the second time, hitting only his pants leaving a hole. The Beefy Boys below deck charge in and attacks Apple. They manage three attacks between the two of them, but Apple's rage allows for only half-damage. Just then the Beverly's donkey launches itself from the Stormborn onto Snot's Yacht. Beverly, inspired by his donkey's appearance decides to Divine Smite the little wiener orcs, but they both block Beeferly. Balnor looks at Beverly, and with a knowing Dad voice says "Hey uh Beverly? Watch this." And crits on the orcs. "I'm horny and strong!" he yells as he kills three orcs but the last orc blocks him. Purely out of spite, the remaining orcs go to the donkey and brutally chops his head off. "That was Slow-golds ass you son of a bitch!" Hardwon declares. The other orc turns towards Beverly and goes for the ass attached to his body and hits. The guns turn to fire again and manage to hit all three. Hardwon tries to control one of the guns but can't figure out how it works. We cut back to Apple who continues running after Snot, running past all of the orcs left down below. A beefy boy and one smaller orc manage to hit her but she escapes the gauntlet of violence relatively unscathed. She gets to the door just as Snot is closing it and she pushes against it. Her barbaric rage fuels her and she splinters the door around her and tackles the captain and roll into his quarters. Apple and Snot are both a little turned on by this series of events as they wrestle on the floor. We cut back to above deck. Moonshien has just shillelaghed, spores an orc and makes a zombie (he too had a family) and runs downstairs to attack a beefy boy while commanding her growing zombie horde (Zores) to attack the guns. She casts diviniation and asks where on the ship is Ulfgar. She hears a whisper in the wind "the necklace." She understands, she is horrified. Ulfgar is trapped in a gem, the red gem on the necklace around Snot's neck. "fucker" she mutters under her breath. The Beefy's below deck see Moonshine and go for her and one manages to brutally attack her. Beverly heads towards the stairs below deck and manages to hit an orc on his way down. The guns turn towards Beverly again and hit him, leaving him on death's door. Hardwon moves away from the gun and kicks off his pants revealing his underwear of choice: nothing. Armor on top and nothing on the bottom, he proceeds to attack an orc. His ankles get caught up in his pants and he trips missing the first time. He turns around and fluffs himself just a little bit to give himself confidence and takes another swing and hits hard, killing the beefy boy and his little buddy orc. Back to Apple and Snot, they're still wrestling but Snot is grasping for the horn one of the orcs had dropped. Apple's rage gives her strength and pins his wrists down so he can't blow into the horn. Both are even more turned on and even more confused by each other. He propositions that she run away with him, all of this could be yours. "I'm not saying I'm not thinking about it!" She yells back as she keeps him pinned down, thinking about kissing him. She overcomes the urge and moves to destroy the horn. She misses but does smooch Snot a little bit who smooches her back. Moonshine is now surrounded by orcs. She rapport spores to Apple telling her to snatch the necklace from Snot's neck. Ulfgar's in there. Apple agrees to. Moonshine spores one of the regular orcs and cures herself and tells her Zores to come and defend her. They use a full 40 feet to come down and stand in front of her. The Beefy Boys aren't fooled and refuse to attack his now undead friends and attacks Moonshine, cutting her down. Beverly starts running below deck, stops and turns back and casts nature's wrath to cast vines to fuck up the wheel. "It's so they can't escape!" He yells to Hardwon who is at first judgmental until he realizes his penis is fully out. Balnor runs forward, pantses one of the dead orcs and tosses the pants to Hardwon "Let's put some pants on buddy!" Hardwon stares at him and lets the pants fly over his head. He and his penis are free. The guns attack again hitting Hardwon and critting on Beverly, who goes down. The Band of Boobs have no healers left and no potions, just Beverly's amulet. Hardwon monkey bar climbs over and kicks through a port window on the side of ship. He slides on his goggles and uses second-wind to gain health as he surveys his surroundings. Apple still rages on and pins down the Captain, ripping the necklace off his neck. Balnor runs up to Beverly, looks at the amulet and drags Beverly down the stairs to below deck. Snot tries some diplomacy with Apple, telling her they can call a truce. If she gives him back the necklace, he'll call his friends off, she'll call off hers and they can call it the day. Apple's diplomatic reply of "fuck off" ends the possibility of further negotiations. A true Boob move. He squeals as she pushes him back on the ground. Apple turns to the people behind her and tells them to put down their weapons or she'll kill the Captain. Her intimidation fails to intimidate and the Captain calls her bluff, encouraging his fighters to keep on. "Give us back the necklace and you can live." The orcs continue to attack Hardwon, and he's down. Apple and Balnor are the only ones left standing, with Moonshine at 2 death fails and Beverly at one fail and one pass. Balnor drags Bev down the stairs, sees that Bev is stabilizing better than Moonshine. Moonshine is dying. He comes to her and manages to stabilize her, without being creepy about it. Things are dire. The Captain is desperately trying to blow the horn but Apple manages to keep him pinned down and attacks even though she finds him very attractive. She swings through and manages to kill Snot and the two orcs who have been attacking her back. There are only two more orcs left, and the two beefy boys go for Balnor, taking him right up to death's door. Balnor still has his action surge, and this horny dad crits on the Beefy Boys and kills one. Only one orc is left. Apple leaves the Captain's Quarter and comes back out into the hall to fuck up this last beefy boy. The beefy boy swings on Balnor and Balnor goes down. Apple turns to attack him again, the last one standing, but misses him both times. He manages to hit her just once, she returns two hits and gets him down to just 1HP. Weakened he tries to hit her back, he misses her both times. Apple offers him the chance to leave the fight if he gives her and the Band of Boobs all the healing potions they have on board. Enthused at the chance to leave, the orc nervously tells her there are no healing potions on board, but he does tell her about he horn Snot was desperately trying to blow through the entire encounter. When blown it will summon a ghost army. And he offers her to take it. Since he won't give her anything, she tells him she'll just kill him instead. "What about pirate's honor!" He says as he puts his hand out for a shake. Apple brutally stabs him. She pants as she surveys the room of carnage around her. Dead orcs and barely stabilized friends lay about her feet. She looks back down hallway and sees Snot's quarters and the unused bed, in another room she can see a room with a series of bunks. She heads towards Snot's Quarters for the one big bed to create the one big dead pile of her unconscious friends. And that's where we'll end our synopsis. Trivia * Hardwon did not know what a cow was until this episode, and assumed Moonshine's cowhide vest was her skin. Quotes * "I love my weak dad and my mushroom mom. This is fun!" * "You know what? I'm going to find those Teiflings and let them take my soul." * "Cows are just flashy donkeys with breasts." * "Wait, you mean I get to see a legendary hero?" "Apple, you're going to save a legendary hero." * "We gave him gatorade, but it felt more like HATERade" * "Let's say we're all feeling a little self-destructive" * "We came to fuck or to fight and...we don't got game." * "We're real dumb but we're kind" * "Give me a deception check with disadvantage, you all deserve it." * Balnor! Bring the tuna! * "I'm horned up and killin' folks." * "I love my horny dad!" * "You have to understand! He had the mist of horny rage draped over his brow!" * "Beeferly Slow-gold at it again." * "ONE BIG DEAD!" Music/Sound Effects * "Seagulls" by Dobroide at Freesound.org. * "Sea Waves" by Owl at Freesound.org. * "Big Crowd Chatter" by Kyster at Freesound.org. * "Crowd in a Bar" by Leandros Ntounis at Freesound.org. * "Back Against the Wall" by Emily Axford. * "A Giant Among Men" by Emily Axford. External Links * Headgum * Spotify * NADDPOD Subreddit Thread Category:The Cutthroat Chronicles Category:Season 1